English Jokes

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

............................................................................................................

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

............................................................................................................

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

.............................................................................................................

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

...........................................................................................................

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

.............................................................................................................

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

......................................................................................................................................

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

.......................................................................................................................................

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

.......................................................................................................................................

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

............................................................................................................

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

............................................................................................................

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

...........................................................................................................

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

..........................................................................................................

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

...........................................................................................................

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

......................................................................................................................................

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

.............................................................................................................

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

.............................................................................................................

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

.............................................................................................................

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.